Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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