highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
