And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
