I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
