We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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