the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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