Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
