I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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