im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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