well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
