yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
