Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
