i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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