I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
