She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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