He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
