I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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