hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
