I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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