he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
