he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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