Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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