i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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