I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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