actually, I'm a sock model
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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