i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
