gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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