Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
