last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
