i don't like sucking hair
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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