She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
