come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
