I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
