If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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