Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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