so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right