I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
