I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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