Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
