He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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