My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
