i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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