Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
