my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
