Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
