i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
