Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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