Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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