Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
