remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
