I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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