dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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