I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
