here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
