I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.