just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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