Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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