im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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