I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
