when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
