Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
